Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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