she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
