I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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