So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
