I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
It's never too late to be topless.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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