Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
