life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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