Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
