hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
