Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
