at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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