sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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