Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
