I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
