yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
