She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
