Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
