So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
