and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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