Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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