non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
