My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
