I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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