A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
