No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
