Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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