You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
