his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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