dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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