I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
