Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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