There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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