he was CRYING into my vagina
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
