I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
