i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
