i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
