Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
