My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
