pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
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She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
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I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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