So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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