I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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