i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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