I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
