I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
