cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
