I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
FUCK WHALES
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
