My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
