is your mom at the bar?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
