Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
