From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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