In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
