don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize